thanks to all the people who kept asking me how i was and how she was..
i really didnt noe i had so much support from those around me..
iseeyou. these words only three can understand what it truly means. the fourth person died. haha..
it really hurts.
to see her lying there.
tubes just fly everywhere....
shes so skinny.
her face bloated.
hand bloated.
its tiring to look at her like that.
friday was a horrible experience.
i would never forget that image my whole life.
i felt so happy that i didnt go home after school
that i went there after so much contemplation.
cause after i went home from there
my nightmare started.
after the visit, i went home.
i saw my dinner.
wow so happy.
never been so happy to see food before.
ahma cook for me..
haha...
after six months i finally get a taste of REAL homecooked food.
ohwells.
then watch tv..
do chores
then there was this phone call
and i almost dropped the phone onthe spot.
took taxi.
the bloody uncle wont drive faster
i tell him emergency already and he just wont register.
and so we rush rush rush.
then when i got there
outside the room.
i heard him screaming.
i heard her screaming
a nurse came out and i saw a crew of about ten hovering around thhe bed
then i saw so much blood.
i almost puked.
then i saw my hero crying.
i saw no doctor.
i saw her pulling out everything that was gonna be attached to her
she was screaming
so badly.
it was like a madman house
the door closed
i looked at my brother, myahma and my auntie.
i saw no doctor.
the next time i heard the door open.
i saw him walking out.
i saw the doctor.
the doctor gathered us.
explaining everything
i was like.
"i was here four hours ago sleeping beside the bed and everything was okay and she was watching some korean show on tv"
right.
basically from what the doctor said
we had no other choice but to agree to go for another angio'
to-zijin and eening-: the other time it passed on clear(last sunday) was because the blood clotted and the body healed itself. now it burst.
and yah its from the major thing to the brain.
so
2hours later.
i saw myself sitting outside the place i sat just five days ago.
this time it wasnt only my hero and i.
it was twelve other ppl.
the doctor was talking
everyone was tearing.
again.
we had no other choice
stuff the balloon in or she'll bleed to heaven.
so
stuff in
and then i sent an sms to eening and zijin
20% __
so yeah.
i alternated between crying and praying.
everytime i teared i told myself i cant
let her see my like this.
and that ive to pray.
everytime i prayed.
i saw her talking to me 8 hours ago.
so well.
so energetic.
everytime i went to the toilet.
i saw myself in the mirror'
so weak yet struggling to be strong.
angio done, balloon stuffed, she was strong.
she was wheeled back to icu
time was 4am.
i saw her lying there.
here tube there tube'
i was hoping she wouldnt feel any pain.
she was asleep
when i saw her
i just couldnt help it.
sorry la..
so i cried.
it was heart breaking..
it really felt that my heart was being squeezed.
so tight.
5am
reach home.
exhausted. emo. depressed. hopeful. tired. stressed.
i went to sleep
i dreamt a nightmare i dreamt last week.
saturday 930am.
wake up.
eat
hospital.
temple.
eat.
temple.
hospital
home.
hospital.
home
my saturday ended on early sunday.
sunday
today
woke up.
eat.
stressed. tired . worried.
blogging.
i really cant take it anymore
for so many years we have suffered alot mentally.
from her sickness
but she was suffering mentally and physically.
for so many years
i saw her in pain
for so many years.
it didnt recur.
i cant hold out the pain.
the anger
the stress
the tiredness.
im falling like last week again.
yet i told myself i cant fall.
and so im standing feebly.
unable to stand strong. unable to fall flat.
because she once said this to me last week,"dont worry. im strong. like you"
i cant imagine.
falling .
i saw her ytd.
amidst the sedation, she awoke when i called her.
i forced a smile. amidst all the tears.
she opened her eyes so big.
it was as if she couldnt see me clearly.
and had to open her eyes bigger.
so she did. her eyes were so so big. i swear.
and i saw the ends of her two eyes lifted up.
i told myself i wont fall. cause im strong. like her.
today.
another crucial day.
im praying.
hoping.
still thankful for all those who helped support me.
limp along again.
it has barely been one week.
im tired.yet again. im convincedim just a weak little kid.
still hoping, still praying.
