Almost 10 years have passed since this blog was created.
And i wonder if anyone else ever comes back to check out this place.
taymua is in The Netherlands,
rol is in the UK.
ahning is working in tampines/pasir ris,
(which is pretty much like overseas-ulu too.)
really miss you girls ;)
It's just amazing that i can still log-in to this place and post something.
not that anyone will read it.
maybe that's why i'm posting this.
I'm sorry CT.
I guess all I can do now is to make sure i do this right and not regret my decisions.
It was fun while it lasted :)
TERMINATED
you grow older by decades in jc.you look back at old posts and wonder how the hell you could have posted those childlike posts.there's an urge to delete the posts, or even the whole blog entirely. but then again.you wonder when how and why you stopped being upfront about your feelings.not blogging, not writing your diary anymore.it was an occurence that became a habit. and then every once in awhile, like now, you start to look back and find that as you grow older, there are fewer things you truly commit to memory. because you dont really feel much anymore when there are fewer instances of such innocence. oh sweetheart.those were the days. days of happiness.
(:I've blogged about this as well.Though it's on my own blog so i wouldnt drown this out.So yeah just..to let you guys know.<3>
# posted by Kal at
10:55 PM
I'm sure this colour has not been seen in So Cliche since 2007. Just to refresh your memory, I'm Ah Rol. Ex riflist of NYGH Shooting Team. Now in NJshooting and dressed in grey.
as you all know,
I left the team and NYGH in March 2008 to pursue what I thought was right, transferring to NJC. Despite all that has happened, Zijin, Shiing, and Eening have been so vivid in my mind and I still feel close to them despite the distance, the difference in characters, events, lives, everything that constitutes a person's identity and world. I have never forgotten the team. I have never forgotten what we've done, what we've achieved together, though our record has been broken by a new generation.
I was inspired to blog this post after reading Ah Mua's post as I was seriously touched by what she said. So here goes, in a similar format.
Ah Zan.
from the day i met you, you have grown in height. Even now, I have to look up to you.
a far cry from our secondary 1-2 days.
everytime I showed you my cards in the morning, and you said " Ah rol, that's good"
I felt like I had done something that mattered.
You have been there for me, through thick and thin and fat and skinny.
you withstood all the unreasonable crap and shit I managed to throw at you through impassioned fits and tantrums brought on by shitty training or emotional waves.
when I lashed out at you because I couldn't stand the idea that I sucked, you took it all and still reached out with loving arms to hug me, to comfort me. And when you couldn't stand it and snapped, I deserved all the shit that you threw at me through this blog, even though little of it was unfairly said. I deserved it all.
And yet, after that,
we're closer. and a random statement, your emoticon really looks like you.
Every time I see that face, something in me unknots and I think, everything's going to be ok.
We're closer and our bond is so much stronger because of the incident. I look back at it and I think to myself, what an ass I was.
I miss the days of seeing you everyday, of being able to share with you jokes, talk about teachers, training.
I miss sitting in the dark and just stoning before training.
Yet here we are today.
I remember the conversations we had during lectures in the LT scribbling in my notebook about the Croc and nationals. I still have the sketch of the nationals that i drew. I'll scan it in.
we've grown closer. yet further because of one stupid canal and two stupid roads.
I made that choice, I don't regret it. I regret the loss of the team still.
I love you for all of that. Thank you for all that you have done. I'm weak, but you and ah mua managed to make me strong.
I.. crap. crap crud SUGAR, why are 3 words INSUFFICIENT. see la ah mua, i'm crying cos of you. mental block. emotions really screw you up. heng ah, now not my period(TMI) otherwise i would be typing emotional crap.
Zan, I love you, and I wouldn't be where I am without you, you who have been a true friend more times than I can count. 3 times national champion, overseas shooter in Nanjing, etc. Thank you for seeing the good in me while admonishing me for the bad even when I didn't want to see.Thank you for talking me out of training slumps; most importantly, for having faith in me. You were a comforting presence by my side, a solid rock i could lean onand that presence still lingers. You were the one I felt closest to you.
Ah mua. muah-chee. full of angles when i try and hug you. I have bruises from those attempts.
I have sat at that very same spot for many a time now and still I feel your presence beside me while waiting.
It's true, what I said. I felt as if there was glass separating us, an invisible barrier that i could somehow, not break through. I couldn't reach out to you, I couldn't help you, I couldn't help you through whatever pain you went through. And yet you were always by my side, peacemaking Zan and my fiery temper. It hurt me, that I couldn't help you even when you were helping me. Stepping in for me whenever my DM sucked, letting me jump on you even though there was a possibility of me breaking your bones. I still have kept the sms you sent to me when I was in KL for SEASA: " Ah rol, you are stepping out into the world of international shooting. JIA YOU" or something of the like. haha.... I never forgot the encouragement that you gave me over the years. None of it. you kept pushing me up when I fell and couldn't get up because of the bruises and scrapes that failure left on me. I've said this to ah Zan, and I'll say it again. I wouldn't be where I am now, 3 times National Champion, without you. You help to make me who I am right now. I love you. Everytime I hugged you, I thought of Muahchee with a backbone of rocksugar that couldn't be broken no matter what kind of shit that life threw at you. I still only have a small inkling of what kind of shit Life threw at you, but I'll never know the full story and maybe, it's meant to stay that way. I love you. Thank you for what you've done for me.
TO ZAN AND MUA, a DUAL POST
zan mua, i've said this twice now, and they say 3 times is the winner. You helped make me who I am. Ever since I went to NJ, I didn't know about your lives anymore. Yet when I crashed this year with a magnificent 304, you were there to comfort me. It's like guardian angels, you two knew about my life but I didn't know about yours. I couldn't give even when you gave me your love and care and concern and help and that hurts. Ah wells. I love you two. I miss you guys. I can't imagine an adulthood without you guys in it, flitting around here and there.
AH NING
hey ooining...
i'm sorry for being one of the most distant team members. You were the one, are the one I still know the least about. As a team, we managed, and I regret not getting to know you better. I love you. thank you for all you did in Sec1, sec2, and sec3, including the birthday gifts that you gave even when I was probably one of the most distant members. Thank you. <3>
i'm..really coming back to this blog for this first time this year..to where it all started, where it all changed.this blog has become a part of me. where i lay my emotions out. from emo to happy to random..even with no postings.. i realise that i visit the blog everydayjust to see if there are any tags..any posts..because i cant stop a routine so deeply etched in my system. checking the blog is like my tying my shoelaces. essential. a part of me.and i shall bare my heart out right here, right now.unusual, given my character. i know.but this is where it all started. this is where i'll continue.i read some of the past posts from 2006..from the time when we were still so innocent.those dual posts.. triple posts.me..zijin carol and my dearest eening..i must say those posts have successfully managed to make me tearit's really touching to read how closely knit we once were.how fast each year passes.and now i feel, is the right time to do a proper roundup. to orientate my feelings in the proper direction..to my dearest eening; i'll never forget the times we shared. the happiness. everything. even though there's this communication problem since sec 3 cause of the team divide and everything.. i know that at the end of the day you'll always be there. somewhere around.. just in case i need you. ohmy im tearing. yeah. i guess i never really said it openly but i really really love you. its a pity how things cant go back to what they were, but i just want to thank you. and tell you that i'll be here for you if you ever need me. thank you so, so much for supporting me when my life goes into crazy pitfalls.. and..im sorry i couldnt catch you in time when you were falling. it's a regret i'll have to deal with every nationals. im sorry i wasnt there.to my carol; you said this in 2007, right after our epic win."ah mua......seems like just yesterday we were still at the carpark chatting...and emoing lolhahasince then i guess we've both changed or smth...i dunnoi noe im not as close as you to zijin....and i really hope that i was able to be there for you when you wanted me to be....you ah....vomit three times. whack you.thanks for helping get through all my hard times...being the sole peacemaker...not that we need it nowadays after nationals....being the glue that stuck both of us together..den paraing and dm-ing tgt .."that day when we were shooting in safra, i went back to the carpark to sit down. at the exact spot where we always sat, talking into the night while waiting for our parents 2 to 3 years ago. that rush of nostalgia hit me right in the face. and i realised how long it has been. i miss those days, and i miss you as my teammate. sometimes i dont know how to encourage you, because of the distance between us. but i know you know that im always near you. no matter what ppl might say about you, ive always regarded you as a good friend of mine. close to me. even though we only shared two years tgt. till now, whenever i see you at safra i feel that sense of familiarity, its like nothing has changed since sec 2. shit im crying wow. almost everything has changed since then. our characters, our lives, our teams, our coaches. our school, our curriculum.. everything's different. but i still love you nevertheless. and those memories never fade. i'll never forget how you'll jump on me from behind and hug me so endearingly, i felt so loved. and the warmth i felt was overwhelming. till now i rmb the smell of your suit, the way you look at me when you wear your shooting specs.. your fear of coach..honestly. everything seems so surreal now that we're in different teams. its almost like im incomplete. strange but true..to my dearest zijin;the days of dm and photohunt have been long gone. we've seen the opening of new 7-11s. the construction of the hospital.. the changes in safra.. the old locker room being converted. the armoury undergoing reconstruction..long gone. and i really miss those days when we truly enjoyed ourselves. when we didnt have to worry about completing homework in time, worry about our responsibility to the school. worry about our image.. those memories are crazy. ive got so much to say to you but i dont know why im having a mental block now. carol and eening have made me so emotional haha.anw im just super glad to have you as my teammate all these years.we fought together for four years already. its crazy i know.four years is like 25% of our lives..all that we've been through.. failure. victory. heartbreak. pitfalls..i love you.nothing less.thanks for everything. i cant imagine a day when you arent in my team anymore, a day when we dont shoot or complain, or even a day without you.that idea of you not being in my life one day is so freakishly scary i dont even wanna think about it.the team. me carol zijin and eening. only existed for one year. but memories have last me the whole while. its a regret that we've since split up..buti just want you guys to know how much i miss our team (omg this sentence made me cry again) i really really miss this complete team, which has given me so much happiness in the past. every step that i take in hcshooting reminds me of how we used to fight tgt, just for a stupid gold medal. it reminds me of the team we once were. so close, so defined. so simple, yet so powerful. the image of our initial team mirrors every single step i take in the shooting world, even during nationals in sec four. i really, really miss our team and i really regret letting us distance from each other. nevertheless i treasure everything that that team has given me, and the strength garnered from those memories shall stay with me forever. i love you guys. honestly. ;_;to shiing;shiing, 2007 nationals: "our best might never be enough in others' eyes.but its all that matters within us.promise that we'll never have to wipe tears of sadness and give hugs of encouragement because our best was not enough..cause in that case, we did not fail." this.. has reminded me of why im shooting after so many years. gave me a wakeup call today. totally. growing up has been more of screwing up your mind rather than getting more mature. there's a difference. but after going to hwachong, i finally feel the character in me solidifying, being moulded. i realise who i am, and who im not. i see how ppl act, and i make decisions to stay true to myself. im not really hyped up about this year's nationals currently. and i dont know why.somehow i feel coach doesnt have enough faith in us. and to him, if we win. its a bonus, we were lucky. if we lose, itd be expected cause he thinks nanyang shooters cant perform in comps.i cant find motivation in him. the trigger that is needed to fire my passion.i need a proper conclusion for trainings before nationals. and i feel that the team should get down and talk before nats. i really want xinxi to have the best nationals ever. its her graduating year, and i really really wanna thank her for being such a great mum all this while..i want her to have the best, because she deserves it. all the effort, the tears. and the tension that she feels because she thinks she isnt as good as us. not neccessarily true, mummy..i promise to give me best for you. and even if i screw up, i'll walk out being proud to be your daughter. i love you mummy. from the bottom of my heart.one training left to comp, one week more.8days to singing the school song.i really wanna sing the school song. make the announcement. make xinxi proud that her team succeeded. and prove coach wrong. that im not a failure, and that i can perform. if im gonna have to settle for 380, i'll do it with pride. i wont let myself down. no.i want all these to work out. honestly.after such a long post. i realised why i am still shooting this year's nationals.i want to relive the past. and create new memories for the future.hold on to a team that has been created years ago, but changed as time passed.grab on to a team i love with all my heart, with a mummy so strong a pillar of support you just cant help but worry when you see her tear. i want to..live my dream. and sing the school song.i know my training curve's been going up exponentially.and my comp performance has been going down exponentially.but.i will walk out of the comp knowing i tried my best.no tears. no fear.to my Agirlsrifle'09: no fear. we fight. cause we are proud, hcshooters. fired up.
first two days of school..quite boring actually. dont feel any excitementstarted off with trying not to get lost in the uniform. LOL i know why i look weird le.cause i dont normally wear collars! (most probable reason).. the only collar shirt i have is ny pe tee.. maybe thats why. dno la heck.drawstrings are a pain.and then what does hc do?they bombard you with lectures, and talks on discipline telling you how high your socks should be.when they feel a little bit kinder.. they give you english diagnostic tests by asking you to do an essay early in the frigging morning.and then theres training.which i dno. i think im stagnant at the sec 3 sec 4 standard. ohwells. not a surprise...maybe thats my max? ?i thought about my nightmare today and because of that i shot an 8 on the last card.i think it started when i was thinking of sleeping. then sleeping link to dreaming..link to..i try so hard to control and i still shoot 8.. im ownage. i knew it was coming. oh geez.oh nightmare go away.the untold story..few know.walking with metal chains twisted round my legs.the wounds cut open and bleed with every step.grapple with emotional torture. how much more i can take, how much longer can i last.sometimes i just think that it'll be better if we all just succumb to the idea of death.im sick of having no time limit.and im sick of being the middle person. enduring all the quarrels, making peace. getting scolded for no reason.i dnt know why im not cursing. i dnt know why im not angry.he asked me if i had ever thought.. "why me?"...i dont know.i think i'll explode one day.. soon.. and we'll see where that ends.chad kroeger--hero.I am so high, I can hear heaven.I am so high, I can hear heaven.Oh but heaven, no heaven don't hear me.And they say that a hero can save us. I'm not gonna stand here and wait. I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away.Someone told me that love would all save us.But how can that be?Look what love gave us.A world full of killing, and blood-spilling, thatworld never came.And they say that a hero can save us.I'm not gonna stand here and wait.I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles.Watch as we all fly away.Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.It isn't the love of a hero, that's why I fear it won't do.And they say that a hero can save us.I'm not gonna stand here and wait.I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles.Watch as we all fly away.
first of allHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE FOUR PPL I KNOW!!!!!!!!WHOOO 3 from shootingLOLok lets sing you a song.ready go.HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.:Dmay all your dreams and wishes come true.gs say can only make one wish on your birthdaybut for greedy ppl like me. just make alot of wishes la. in case one wish can't come true then got another wish to back up HAHAHHAytd the range was so freaking quiet and leng qing.i like~~~~~super shuang can.not like the daily ultra spamming of pellets then ping piang kio one.its like. zen mode HAHAHAHAHAend of holidays is like so near and i havent touched math at all, or even make up my mind on what subject combi im gonna take :Stotally not ready for school, and even more not ready for xin nian.oh right. theres monthly too.AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHwhite horse--taylor swift!!I had so many dreams about you and meHappy endings, well now I knowThat Im not a princess, this aint a fairytaleI'm not the one you'll sweep off her feetlead her up the stairwellThis ain't Hollywood, this is a small townBut I was a dreamer before you went and let me downNow its too late for you and your white horse to come aroundwell i think its time i really let go.start anew.it's been a very, very long journey.ohmygoodness my mind's a blank.ok nvm.HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERYONE!the most colourful post ever :D
hahahaha yes tissue is here to blog.and NO IM NOT GOING TO FLAME ANYONE ANYMORE YAY~~tissue recovered from her depression =.-okay anyway yes im here to promote the Gossip Clubheres the url: ohhmai.blogspot.comcurrently its still a bit emptybut im sure given the potential of the gossip club we will be able to fill things up soonand yes im proud to announce tat im the president of gossip clubshould i even be proud of tat =.-so erm. the blog will be like. gossiping about almost everything under the sunlike from scandals to celebrities to gambling matters AND WADS MOREWE GOSSIP ABOUT PIMPLE CREAMS~discussions are welcomed on the tagboard (:i dun mind informants too AHHHHHHTERMINATED
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