i'm..really coming back to this blog for this first time this year..to where it all started, where it all changed.this blog has become a part of me. where i lay my emotions out. from emo to happy to random..even with no postings.. i realise that i visit the blog everydayjust to see if there are any tags..any posts..because i cant stop a routine so deeply etched in my system. checking the blog is like my tying my shoelaces. essential. a part of me.and i shall bare my heart out right here, right now.unusual, given my character. i know.but this is where it all started. this is where i'll continue.i read some of the past posts from 2006..from the time when we were still so innocent.those dual posts.. triple posts.me..zijin carol and my dearest eening..i must say those posts have successfully managed to make me tearit's really touching to read how closely knit we once were.how fast each year passes.and now i feel, is the right time to do a proper roundup. to orientate my feelings in the proper direction..to my dearest eening; i'll never forget the times we shared. the happiness. everything. even though there's this communication problem since sec 3 cause of the team divide and everything.. i know that at the end of the day you'll always be there. somewhere around.. just in case i need you. ohmy im tearing. yeah. i guess i never really said it openly but i really really love you. its a pity how things cant go back to what they were, but i just want to thank you. and tell you that i'll be here for you if you ever need me. thank you so, so much for supporting me when my life goes into crazy pitfalls.. and..im sorry i couldnt catch you in time when you were falling. it's a regret i'll have to deal with every nationals. im sorry i wasnt there.to my carol; you said this in 2007, right after our epic win."ah mua......seems like just yesterday we were still at the carpark chatting...and emoing lolhahasince then i guess we've both changed or smth...i dunnoi noe im not as close as you to zijin....and i really hope that i was able to be there for you when you wanted me to be....you ah....vomit three times. whack you.thanks for helping get through all my hard times...being the sole peacemaker...not that we need it nowadays after nationals....being the glue that stuck both of us together..den paraing and dm-ing tgt .."that day when we were shooting in safra, i went back to the carpark to sit down. at the exact spot where we always sat, talking into the night while waiting for our parents 2 to 3 years ago. that rush of nostalgia hit me right in the face. and i realised how long it has been. i miss those days, and i miss you as my teammate. sometimes i dont know how to encourage you, because of the distance between us. but i know you know that im always near you. no matter what ppl might say about you, ive always regarded you as a good friend of mine. close to me. even though we only shared two years tgt. till now, whenever i see you at safra i feel that sense of familiarity, its like nothing has changed since sec 2. shit im crying wow. almost everything has changed since then. our characters, our lives, our teams, our coaches. our school, our curriculum.. everything's different. but i still love you nevertheless. and those memories never fade. i'll never forget how you'll jump on me from behind and hug me so endearingly, i felt so loved. and the warmth i felt was overwhelming. till now i rmb the smell of your suit, the way you look at me when you wear your shooting specs.. your fear of coach..honestly. everything seems so surreal now that we're in different teams. its almost like im incomplete. strange but true..to my dearest zijin;the days of dm and photohunt have been long gone. we've seen the opening of new 7-11s. the construction of the hospital.. the changes in safra.. the old locker room being converted. the armoury undergoing reconstruction..long gone. and i really miss those days when we truly enjoyed ourselves. when we didnt have to worry about completing homework in time, worry about our responsibility to the school. worry about our image.. those memories are crazy. ive got so much to say to you but i dont know why im having a mental block now. carol and eening have made me so emotional haha.anw im just super glad to have you as my teammate all these years.we fought together for four years already. its crazy i know.four years is like 25% of our lives..all that we've been through.. failure. victory. heartbreak. pitfalls..i love you.nothing less.thanks for everything. i cant imagine a day when you arent in my team anymore, a day when we dont shoot or complain, or even a day without you.that idea of you not being in my life one day is so freakishly scary i dont even wanna think about it.the team. me carol zijin and eening. only existed for one year. but memories have last me the whole while. its a regret that we've since split up..buti just want you guys to know how much i miss our team (omg this sentence made me cry again) i really really miss this complete team, which has given me so much happiness in the past. every step that i take in hcshooting reminds me of how we used to fight tgt, just for a stupid gold medal. it reminds me of the team we once were. so close, so defined. so simple, yet so powerful. the image of our initial team mirrors every single step i take in the shooting world, even during nationals in sec four. i really, really miss our team and i really regret letting us distance from each other. nevertheless i treasure everything that that team has given me, and the strength garnered from those memories shall stay with me forever. i love you guys. honestly. ;_;to shiing;shiing, 2007 nationals: "our best might never be enough in others' eyes.but its all that matters within us.promise that we'll never have to wipe tears of sadness and give hugs of encouragement because our best was not enough..cause in that case, we did not fail." this.. has reminded me of why im shooting after so many years. gave me a wakeup call today. totally. growing up has been more of screwing up your mind rather than getting more mature. there's a difference. but after going to hwachong, i finally feel the character in me solidifying, being moulded. i realise who i am, and who im not. i see how ppl act, and i make decisions to stay true to myself. im not really hyped up about this year's nationals currently. and i dont know why.somehow i feel coach doesnt have enough faith in us. and to him, if we win. its a bonus, we were lucky. if we lose, itd be expected cause he thinks nanyang shooters cant perform in comps.i cant find motivation in him. the trigger that is needed to fire my passion.i need a proper conclusion for trainings before nationals. and i feel that the team should get down and talk before nats. i really want xinxi to have the best nationals ever. its her graduating year, and i really really wanna thank her for being such a great mum all this while..i want her to have the best, because she deserves it. all the effort, the tears. and the tension that she feels because she thinks she isnt as good as us. not neccessarily true, mummy..i promise to give me best for you. and even if i screw up, i'll walk out being proud to be your daughter. i love you mummy. from the bottom of my heart.one training left to comp, one week more.8days to singing the school song.i really wanna sing the school song. make the announcement. make xinxi proud that her team succeeded. and prove coach wrong. that im not a failure, and that i can perform. if im gonna have to settle for 380, i'll do it with pride. i wont let myself down. no.i want all these to work out. honestly.after such a long post. i realised why i am still shooting this year's nationals.i want to relive the past. and create new memories for the future.hold on to a team that has been created years ago, but changed as time passed.grab on to a team i love with all my heart, with a mummy so strong a pillar of support you just cant help but worry when you see her tear. i want to..live my dream. and sing the school song.i know my training curve's been going up exponentially.and my comp performance has been going down exponentially.but.i will walk out of the comp knowing i tried my best.no tears. no fear.to my Agirlsrifle'09: no fear. we fight. cause we are proud, hcshooters. fired up.
